there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
