Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
