She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
