I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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