My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I need to calm my uterus...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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