writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
