I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
