dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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