he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
50% drunk capacity currently
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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