I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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