Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
