soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
