Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
