If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
