The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
