There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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