My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
