3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
