I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
