If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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