I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
