I just pynch a tree in the face
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
