Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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