y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
