News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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