Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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