Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
