ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
