I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
