dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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