Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
