I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
