There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
