On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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