I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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