Plan B is the new Plan A
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Drunk is a universal language darling
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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