I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
