So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
