I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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