the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
