pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
