I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
