omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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