I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
