i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
