I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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