tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
