i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
