i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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