dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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