I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
