He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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