You're my little dorito
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
