Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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