Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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